Once again the 2-day marathon test, Gaokao, has begun tormenting Chinese high-school students across the nation. More than 10 million of China’s youth will be subjected to this gruesome gauntlet that determines the rest of their social and professional life. But just over half will be admitted to universities, where rote learning and standardized tests still dominate. The Gaokao tests everything students learned since kindergarten and can have some serious psycological impacts on testees.

The Gaokao isn’t waterboarding, but Khalid Sheikh Mohammed would not have been able to survive 183 gaokao’s. Critics point out that the Gaokao can lead to “faintings, increased drop out rates, and increasing rates of teenage depression and suicide.” There have even been cases of doctors prescribing birth control pills to make sure girls are not menstruating during the test. In order to ease the stress of the test, some cities cordon off streets to ease traffic, offer free taxi rides, and cancel noisy construction projects near testing centers.

But this seems to be the best form of stress relief:

Links & Sources

• China’s SAT (via Slate)
• 中国1020万考生　为进理想高校大冲刺

Your TaoTie corespondent has been hitting the streets to find the best of the best.  This week I’ll be delving into Xinjiang cuisine, one of my favorite styles of Chinese food. Xinjiang cuisine is a staple in a true Laonei’s diet. But where is the best spot in Beijing for lamb-laden Uighur treats? After a long and grueling hunt for the best of Beijing’s muslim-approved grub, it has been decided. The heavyweight champion is Xinjiang Adaxi (新疆阿达西餐厅)！Located on Qian Liang hutong 钱粮胡同, Adaxi is always packed and serves up piping hot, always fresh dishes.

In the process of making this weighty decision, dozens of dishes went through our rigorous taste bud tests. Hundreds of kebabs 串, naan 馕, and ‘big chicken plates’ 大盘鸡 were closely scrutinized for tenderness, appropriate spice levels, freshness, and overall devourability. But the most important test is the simple TaoTie equation: simply take the price of the meal (4 people), subtract the number of people in the restaurant at 8pm, and finally take the restaurant’s rating to a factor of ten and subtract it from the total. The lower the number, the better the restaurant. Xinjiang Adaxi had a record score of -10.

Most other restaurants we sized up didn’t even come close. Crescent Moon, popular among the expat crowd, scored an abysmally high score of 160. Wildly overpriced and lagging far behind in both service and devourability, Crescent Moon has little going for it. But one Xinjiang spot did give Adaxi a run for its money. Known simply as Muslim Restaurant 穆斯林餐厅, this is another great choice for Xinjiang delicacies if you are out in Wudaokou.

Adaxi Review

Never take a date here. Adaxi is about one thing, and one thing only: the food. The floors are filthy, the furniture is cheap and rickety, and the majority of the customers are loud and smokey. But don’t let that stop you from coming here. Adaxi’s kitchen consistently pumps out absolutely delicious food. A definite highlight is their naan. Soft, crispy and always piping hot, their naan is never stale. Dip the naan in the huge Chicken Plate 大盘鸡 for maximum results. Another dish you wont want to miss is the fresh-made potato chips 炸土豆片, which also go well dipped in the Chicken Plate’s sauce. While your at it, order a lamb leg or some kebabs, as their lamb is some of the tenderest in town.

五一 is right around the corner. But it’s hard to get excited for the festivities. That’s because there are none; just a three-day weekend. The golden week that we once enjoyed so much has turned into a ‘golden day.’ I remember when the May 1st holiday meant a week of traveling and unparalleled debauchery. Now May Day has lost its meaning.

But perhaps I’m missing the point here. I decided to search the web for some REAL meaning to May 1st, International Labor Day. According to Baidu:

International Labor Day’s meaning comes from the struggle of the working class. With a tenacious, indomitable spirit, the heroic fight for workers’ legitimate rights, interests of human civilization, and the historical progress of democracy is the essence of Labor Day. Thus, we celebrate this wonderful holiday.

Well, I am a supporter of workers’ rights and the historical progress of democracy. But May 1st is also the date that commemorates the founding of the All-China Federation of Trade Unions (ACFTU) - the only labor union in China and the biggest in the world. The fact that the state-sanctioned ACFTU has a monopoly on labor unionizing and creation of other unions is illegal makes me think the ‘historical progress of democracy’ is not being fulfilled.

But let us not dwell on these hefty issues of holiday cancellations and labor organizing. Because there is indeed a long list of wonderful things to celebrate.

May 1st is:

• the birthdate of Hong Kong filmmaker John Woo, director of such masterpieces as Hard Target and Mission: Impossible II. John Woo was one of the first directors to incorporate mullets and slowmo double takes in the same scene.

• the day Rickey Henderson, of the Oakland Athletics, stole his 939th base, making him the all-time leader in stolen bases (and my childhood hero at the same time).

• the Czech Republic’s “National Love Day” where couples flock to the memorial of the poet Karel Hynek Mácha in Prague and kiss.

• Global Love Day!

As you can see, there are plenty of things to celebrate on this coming May holiday! Happy May Day! Enjoy this clip from John Woo’s Hard Target.

What is TaoTie (饕餮) you ask? Is it mythical beast capable of swallowing you whole? A fierce and cruel person? A voracious eater? A gourmand? Well, it’s all of those things. But now, TaoTie is Laonei’s fresh look into fine dining in Beijing. We’re not talking about the old expat standby’s like Kro’s Nest or The Tree (don’t get me wrong…these are both great places). But we are more interested in authentic, healthy, clean, and relatively cheap Chinese food that most expats aren’t aware even existed. And it can be quite hard to find a restaurant that fits all the criteria. So we have scoured the streets to find the best of the best.

There are strict requirements for a local restaurant to be chosen for TaoTie; the food has to be exceptionally good and offer something that you can’t find at just any run-of-the-mill restaurant. Before we shoot a TaoTie episode, we sample a wide variety of dishes to make sure they are up to our 好吃/不贵 standards.So keep your eye out for new episodes of TaoTie coming soon and let us know what you think!

I had seen this guy on TV before, but never really noticed exactly what he did until I came upon Crossing the River (guò hé-过河), a musical skit about a woman reluctantly taking her pint-sized suitor named  Gāo fēng (高峰) across the river. Seriously one of the coolest skits I’ve seen, it is a performance style called èr rén zhuàn (二人转), where a man and a woman sing, dance, and have dialogues (which sometimes get a little racy).

Like the 二人转 skit-style, Pan Changjiang originates from Northeast China and has been called the Mr. Bean of China, though far more verbose. He is multi-talented, having been in several feature films and dozens of skits and music videos. He sings and dances well too. The skit 过河 has a fun song and dance (below) where the woman tests 高峰 on his knowledge of farm life to see whether he is suitable for marriage or not. Pan’s character comes up with witty answers to all of the questions, and finally insulting his questioner.

Other good clips of Pan Changjiang:

双簧 (Super funny clip of 赵本山 and 潘长江)

好人好梦 (Pan Changjiang and his daughter sing a duet)

过河 Original version

过河 Flash version

Kuaiban (快板) is a literary art form accompanied by a rhythm produced by the lyricist himself. Like a beat-boxer and MC all in one, 快板 is Chinese hip hop, not to be confused with the guys walking around in baggy pants with a vague sense of rhythm and poor lyricism.

I watched in absolute amazement as the Kuai Ban master tapped out complex rhythms and recited a story that must have taken ages to commit to memory. The rhythm follows the story line with the nuances and crescendoes of an orchestra, bringing the story to life like modern hip hop rarely does.

From a Western perspective Kuai Ban is mysterious. It doesn’t adhere to any strict time signature, or even tempo for that matter. Each stanza is a different length than the previous and following one. Almost like spoken word, where artists stray from the predictable 4/4 rhythm that we are all so used to, Kuai Ban is free. Rather than starting from a beat, like hip hop does, Kaui Ban is based on the lyrical content and the mood it creates. The rhythm serves as punctuation. It is the period and comma, semicolon even. But it is more than that. It is a display of years of hard work and practice.

Picking up a set of paiban (拍板) for the first time will give you a real sense of respect for the Kuaiban master. For someone that prides themselves in understanding rhythm fairly well, the paiban flopped around like a spastic fish dying in my hands. For now, I will resign myself to being a fan, not a participant.

Nietzsche once wrote, “Without music life would be a mistake.” But I would like to humbly make an addition: Without creative music life would be a mistake.

I may be fatalist and pessimistic, but I have given up on Chinese music. Perhaps I should be more clear. I have given up on a Chinese music industry that churns out pretty faces that only sing love ballads and shun real musicians that push the boundaries of musicianship.

It wasn’t always this way. A few talented, edgy, creative musicians came on the scene and started to get pretty big. There was a glimmer of hope with the raw, gritty, thoroughly-Chinese rock (he plays a gu zheng on stage!) of 谢天笑 (XTX). Then there was the kitschy, upbeat, electro-disco-punk-rock of New Pants (新裤子). And there was Hedgehog (刺猬), with catchy hooks and perhaps the cutest little drummer ever. But there is no hope for acts like these in the Chinese music industry. As big as they seem to be, I’ll bet all of the RMB in my wallet that they all have day jobs.

These diamonds in the rough weren’t enough to give me faith in the Chinese music scene. There are far too many cookie-cutter Ken and Barbie’s with glorified KTV resumes dominating the music industry. The songs they sing are an endless stream of pop love ballads that are hardly distinguishable from one another. With a knack for singing, that’s all they are: singers. There is a fundamental difference between a singer and a musician. Singers sing, musicians make music.

Talking with a Chinese friend about this phenomenon, 王力宏, the ABC-Chinese-Taiwanese pop superstar came up. My friend said, “He writes his own songs,” as if it was an amazing feat. Amazing feat it may be, but citing a New York-born, Berklee College of Music grad to save the face of the whole Chinese music scene is a stretch to say the least.

The simple fact is that the few original, creative musicians in China are being overshadowed and cast out by the music industry that puts lip-syncing pin-up dolls on every TV channel. Not once on Chinese television have I seen a real band playing real music, excluding those 12 girls and the folks that play the Beijing Opera jams (though I have seen bands pretending to play their instruments…imagine that). For now, any musicians with potential are relegated to inaccessible record labels or semi-obscure websites.

So I’ll remain pessimistic, but in the meantime, turn off your TV, dig through underground music, and let me know if anything comes up…

A film about Chinese democracy (no, not the new Guns n’ Roses album), Please Vote for Me is a documentary with a  deep look into a 3rd grade class that elects their 班长 (class captain) instead of having the teacher appoint one. The candidates take the whole process very seriously and things get crazy when the parents get involved, who serve as campaign managers for their child’s bid for class monitor.

Check out the clip below or watch the whole film on YouKu.

Trends come and go. The hippies came and went and whatever is left of them is a mutated form far from the original. Out of the ashes of the hippie, we see the rise of the hipster, a new global phenomenon.

Whether your view of the hipster phenomenon is a healthy appraisal of youth culture finding meaning in a rapidly changing world, or a condemnation of a ’counterculture [that has] mutated into a self-obsessed aesthetic vacuum,’ the hipster is here to stay. Just like hip-hop, rock and roll, and McDonalds crash landed in China in the 80s and 90s, hipster culture (or lack thereof) has done the same in the 2000s.

And here is my proof:

1) Rapid growth of hipster establishments.

Nanluoguxiang and the hutongs around it are the heart and arteries that pump life into the hipster culture. 炒豆合作社, or the Hot Bean Cooperative, a restaurant with hand-written menus, magic-marker writings all over the walls, and extremely simplistic and mediocre food, is the ‘Heart-Chakra’ of Chinese hipsterdom.

2) Grand opening of American Apparel store in Sanlitun.

The granddaddy of hipster apparel, American Apparel (or simply AA) has opened several shops in Shanghai and Beijing over the past months. Whether the average Chinese hipster will be able to afford the Made-in-USA accessories is another matter entirely.

3) A growing, albeit minimal, fixed gear scene

Fixed gear bicycles are a fixture (no pun intended) in the growing hipster scene. Beijing has its very own fixed gear club. So keep your eyes out for more of these DIY, brakeless bicycles hitting the street.

I guess I was too wrapped up in the Olympics and real news to have noticed the new 露富 (money flaunting) trend in China. While harmless, the photos of young Chinese girls clutching hundreds of RMB notes leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Responses have ranged from hairy guys mocking the 露富 trend to young girls posting their own 露富 videos (see video below). While it is hard to imagine what is going on in these girls’ Louis Vuitton-worshiping minds, we can be sure that the man pictured on the bills they are flaunting would not be proud.

Daddy's money

No money-flaunting here

English translation:

Recently on the web, there have been a lot of mainland girls flaunting their wealth. But I can’t stand it anymore. To be honest, these rich mainland girls are immersed in a vulgar life and vulgar taste.  When they are bored, they put up some ridiculous photos to show off. This kind of showing off means nothing to me. They don’t compare to me…

I’m not posting this to show off anything, but to let those girls see clearly that good taste is the most important. Life is that simple…Oh right, to introduce myself, I come from Datong, Shanxi province. I’ve been in America for 3 years and my English is really fluent.

Here is my villa in Seattle.

My house in Seattle

It’s really spacious!

Outside there is a manmade lake

This is what I drive. Benz SLK

These are young people’s hobbies, I really like popular video games, and I have all of the Apple products.

Mainland girls show off RMB, I got USD

….

Anyway, you get the picture…now excuse me while I go vomit.